the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
