Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
