I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
