did you get engaged???
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Randomize
