If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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