If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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