I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
