Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
