Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
