A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
