Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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