I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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