i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
