can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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