I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
