im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
