We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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