i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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