Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
These tits shall not be calmed
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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