i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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