Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
