Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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