my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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