You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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