Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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