One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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