My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
