his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
