True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
