I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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