she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
