new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
