make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im just a social blackout drinker.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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