I wish my penis had an off switch
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
