threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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