Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
