apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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