Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
