Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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