my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you had me at cake vodka
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
