I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
