mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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