i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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