1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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