apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
