Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
