GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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