the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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