Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I party with great urgency now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
