there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You ruined the universe
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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