Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
