I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
