My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
